


for all that it's worth

by nonosungie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dark Humor, M/M, read if you're in the mood for smth sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 10:49:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22848928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonosungie/pseuds/nonosungie
Summary: Hey Mark, remember my boss? The one I called a dick, cuz he kinda was.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 11
Kudos: 49





	for all that it's worth

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo I was supposed to be working on the new chapter of ltsf but here we are
> 
> Warning: triggers for mentioned suicide attempt + something else that I don't wanna spoil but anyway read on at your own risk

Hey Mark, remember my boss? The one I called a dick, cuz he kinda was. He told me I did well for the first time today. I mean I've worked for him what, 5 years now, and this is the first time he's said that but hey, I'll take what I can get. It actually freaked me out a little because he never compliments anyone but I guess you were right when you said the closer you look at someone the more you see their positivities. I remembered that so I decided to get him a coffee during my lunch break and he actually smiled at me. This is why I always called you the nice one in our relationship - you still somehow manage to change me for the better even after all this time.

I went to the supermarket today and I tried that coconut water you couldn't seem to live without. You always had weird, weird fucking tastebuds so I was expecting it to be super gross. That's why I never tried even when you offered me a sip every single morning because that’s just the kind of person you are. Like always, I was right. I'm always right about you. I still don't understand your taste, because what the hell, Mark, it tastes like rotten water (yes, I'm aware that's not a thing, Canada). I still finished it, though, maybe because it felt like a waste of money to throw it out or maybe because of another reason that I don’t want to say. I even bought 5 more bottles to put in the fridge.

Speaking of the fridge, it's still stockpiled with the weirdass food you used to eat. I mean, potatoes with salt, who does that? But I still haven't gotten around to throwing the crap you called food away even though it’s starting to smell and I'm scared to even open the containers. You know I taught myself how to eat everything with maple syrup like you do? This is why I never let you in the kitchen - you're a threat to everyone's eating habits. Banana milk, watermelon, all the stuff that I don’t like but you do, it’s still there.

Oh, I met the guys this weekend. Renjun just got back from China, because he was visiting his family. Apparently Jisung tried to dye his hair Chenle's color but he failed, because it's bright blue instead of purple. Jaemin and Jeno are still together and still annoyingly in love. You and me are over, but they’re still going strong. Their bakery is insta-famous, which kinda makes me want to puke, and they just set a date for the wedding. I think a spring wedding suits them, with their personalities and all. I'm going to be their best man, so I gotta get my suit re-fitted soon.

On second thought, your old suit might fit me. Even if you and the guys did diss me at times about my skin being as dark as my soul, and even though you hated it when I stole your clothes without your permission, I know that you know that suit looks good on me. Yeah, I’m gonna wear it, because it still smells like you plus my suit just smells like mothballs. The guys don’t make fun of my dark soul anymore. Maybe it’s because I’m getting nicer. Maybe not.

This year I've had a lot of free time so I decided to do what you used to do and try out going to the gym. It's been a month and the sessions genuinely take away my will to live. I now remember why I never went even when you tried to drag me there. How did you even maintain abs, because I don't even think mine exist? I still signed up for another month of PT, though, because I’m not gonna let your workout clothes rot away in the closet. Plus the shorts make my butt look fire, pity you’re not around to see it.

I had lunch with your parents today, because they asked me but mostly because I figured they were lonely. Don't worry, I took them somewhere nice and fancy, this new Italian place down the street. They're still as kind as ever, fretting over me about losing weight and all that. They remind me a lot of you. They told me they’d drop me off because they didn’t want me riding the bus, but I told them I wanted to walk home.

On my way back I visited the cafe we used to go to every day for the first time in a long time. The picture on the wall’s changed - it's not the desert anymore, it's Toronto’s skyline (ironic, I know). I was planning on sitting at our usual spot with a cup of coffee but the cafe manager, Taeyong, recognized me. He said Johnny misses you and asked me where you are. I kinda threw you under the bus, because as you know dark humor is my coping mechanism, and told him you ditched me to visit Canada. I think he knew something was wrong, because we both know I can’t lie for shit, but he still laughed and told me to come back next time with you and he'd tell you off for me. I told him ok and changed my Americano order to go because I didn't feel like staying anymore.

You and your shitty taste buds, Mark. You and Jaemin with your tastebuds of death, because the Americano fucking sucked. It burned the crap out of my throat on the way out the door, and I ended up tripping down the stairs. I twisted the ever living shit out of my ankle and it wasn't even the burning or the bitterness or the humiliation, just the pain that made me start crying. Taeyong probably thought I was a fucking idiot, which isn't far from the truth, and he ran out after me to ask if I was ok. I was gonna say I was fine, I'm fine, but I couldn't say it. I'm not fine, because it hurts, because you hurt me, because everything fucking hurts and fucking sucks because Mark's not in Canada, because Mark's not coming back, because Mark's dead. You're dead.

They say you can't forget your first love but I say that’s a load of bullshit. Every day that goes by takes a piece of you from my memory, of you, your face, your voice. I saw a post a few years back about how you should take a video of your parents so you don't forget them when they’re gone and so I did, but I never took one of you because I never imagined my life could still continue with you gone. That's one of my biggest regrets, I think.

Another one of my biggest regrets would be that day we blew up at each other. We always fight, that's just how we are, but that day was the biggest fight yet. I was always the one to leave, and you would always stop me or call me back, but that day you were the one that left with all your stuff and I just stood there in complete shock. I followed you out after I realized this was really happening, but you were already gone and I just stood there in that dark empty hallway and cried. Anyway I regret that night because you came back afterwards with your bag in one hand and my favorite strawberry cake in the other. You unwrapped the cake and took the first bite, and I know you hate strawberry, so it was your way of an apology, but I slapped the cake out of your hands because I'm an asshole like that. I still remember that conflicted look on your face as you looked down at the splatter of cream on the floor, it still comes back and haunts me when I’m alone. You must've been so upset. I'm really sorry. I really am, and I realized I never really told you I was. I don't know why you even decided to stick with me after that.

Remember I told you I met up with the guys? We avoided the topic of you like the plague, focusing on Jisung's dancing career or Chenle's new album. Because I can't. I can't do anything, Mark, not without you. I wake up because my eyes open and I fall asleep because my eyes close and in between I do things because I just do but this isn't living, not in the real sense of the word. When that bus took you I think it took me too.

Thinking back, we were polar opposites, from our taste in food to our personalities. I guess, though, that if Jaemin and Jeno fit together because they're so similar, we fit together because we were so different. You thought I was cute, even if I'm only a year younger than you are, always teasing me and asking when (if) I was ever gonna graduate from uni. But Mark, guess what? I've graduated, I'm looking for a job, I’m working out and I'm doing everything you used to do back then that you wanted me to do, so why are you doing this to me? You promised me you wouldn't be late, not to your own graduation ceremony, but you kept me waiting. I've graduated but you haven't, and I'm still waiting, you know, because you always keep your promises, but you're still not here and it's a year too late for your own ceremony and a few days too late for mine. Everything's changing, our friends are changing, I'm changing, so why aren't you changing? Why are you still the same Mark in my memory as you were last year?

Everywhere I go I see traces of you. Even in places we haven't been together. Mark doesn't eat anchovies. Mark doesn't like this actor. I even visited Canada alone and it was just Mark everywhere. Mark. Mark. Mark. Maybe in that sense they're right that you can't forget your first love, but I think it might just be that I can't forget you because you’re you. I’m not even making sense, because I’m saying forgetting you and remembering you and everything’s fine but it’s not but cut be some slack, Mark, nothing’s made sense since you died. I don't even know if I want to forget you or if I want to remember you, because I don't know which is better. Is there even a better option? 

I thought for the first few weeks that it might've been better if I'd never met you at all. I was thinking of praying to God, because I know you used to do that all the time, and beg him to not let me meet you at all in our next life if he was just gonna take you this early. I never got around to doing that though, because I realized meeting you for even a second is infinitely better than not knowing you at all.

You know everyone thought I was going to kill myself? I realized after you were gone that I have such good, good people around me even if you were the best. Renjun woke me up every morning, Jaemin and Jeno walked me to class, and whenever I wouldn’t pick up my phone Jisung and Chenle would come running because they would think I was dead. I understand why they did that, though, because I really did try to die. It seemed like a better option at the time, still seems like it, actually, because everything was hell without you. Honestly it still is hell, I’ve just gotten used to it, I think.

I can’t deal with our apartment because you’re not here, but I also can’t move out because this is all that’s left. Renjun and everyone else told me to move out that day I tried to die, to let go, but I told them I couldn’t. I grabbed onto them and we just cried, and I told them I didn’t want to let go and they never bothered me after that. After that I couldn’t deal with life so I took some pills, fucked up my leg. And then I heard you say, well, not you, exactly, but the Mark in my head say, What the hell are you doing with your life, Donghyuck? And I didn’t have an answer. I always need an answer. So I got my shit together and here we are now. Here I am now.

You'd probably tell me to forget you, because I know you, you're selfless like that. I don't think I will, because you know me, I'm a bad listener like that. I'll probably end up forgetting everything I don't want to forget and remembering everything I don't want to remember. You're the one who's gone but why do I feel like I'm the one that's disappearing? I don't like it here without you, which doesn't make sense because all the empty spots in my day, of which there are too many now that you're gone, are still full of you. I don't know what to do, because I never did know much without you, and I never even got a chance to practice what this would be like. But I’m trying, I really am, because. Because. Because you.

But still.

Mark.

I kinda miss you, Mark.

And for all that it's worth, which is close to nothing now that you're gone but still, I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment but plz don't kill me
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/nonosungie)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/nonosungie)


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